NY4: Fulton St Local

Parks:
1. Washington Square Park
2. Prospect Park
3. Central Park
4. Battery Park
5. Bryant Park

Colas
1. Cherry Coke
2. Pepsi Wild Cherry
3. Cherry Zero
4. Coca Cola
5. Dr Pepper Cherry (which does exist for some reason)

Things to buy for a dollar
1. Pizza slice
2. Arizona Fruit Punch
3. Hot Dog
4. Can of mac and cheese
5. The gratitude of a homeless person with a particularly good yarn

Ways to make money
1. Alphabetise, box and move the files of a Korean immigration law firm.
2. Have your brain scanned for the purposes of market research.
3. Promote a new political social networking platform at the Personal Democracy Forum.
4. Hassle people to pay you money for stuff you did before you moved to New York.
5. Empty the coin jar.

Subway lines
1. C
2. F
3. A
4. L
5. G (downgraded due to stabbing)

Semi-famous people encountered
1. Singer in the Dead Weather/Kills, Chelsea Hotel, 23rd Street, Manhattan, getting out of a taxi.
2. Member of White Rabbits, Lorimer St/Metropolitan Av, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, walking home.
3. Ced Gee, Ultramagnetic MCs, producer of Nas, Kool Keith, etc, selling bootleg CDs on 6th Av/4th St.
4. Member of YACHT, Jay St/Borough Hall C stop, Brooklyn
5. Antone Hill, boxing champion 1978-1980, Ludlow St, Manhattan, asking for change.

Block parties that took place directly outside 3 Quincy Street half a decade ago.
1. Dave Chappelle’s Block Party

Subtle differences
1. Keys turn the opposite direction.
2. Taxi drivers have no idea where they are going.
3. If you tell someone “I’m here for 3 weeks”, they don’t know if you mean you’ve already been there for 3 weeks, if you’ve got 3 weeks to go, or if you’re there for a total of three weeks, even though Irish people seem to understand automatically from inflection maybe.
4. Flies are confident in their ability to land on you, bite you and fly away before you can swat them.
5. Even the most legitimate businesses are pretty much trying to get extra money out of you either by friendliness or by underhandedness.

Major differences
1. Heat
2. Absurd amount of free stuff to do all the time.
3. Multi-ethnicity
4. Leaving bars before being kicked out of bars.
5. The call to prayer coming from the mosque on Fulton Street on a Friday night, and any deli employee who has ever run at full tilt past me to get to said mosque in time.

Homeless people
1. Pigeon man, Washington Square Park
2. Man with spiel about how Michael Jackson ran New York City even though he had no muscles, Madison Square Park
3. Heinz 57, East Broadway
4. George Clinton-type man, Washington Square Park
5. Guy who lives in the empty lot behind Salvation Army, Brooklyn

Do you guys like comedy?
1. No.
2. No.
3. No.
4. No.
5. No.

What Bedford-Stuyvesant residents do when it’s hot
1. Wait on materials

Groups of people waiting on materials
1. Salvation Army volunteers, who sit outside listening to music and making inexplicable crashing sounds from 4am until 7pm
2. Anyone who has ever sat outside the Putnam Candy Store, which cannot possibly be a legitimate business.
3. The old people who play dominos on Downing Street.
4. The gentlemen who smoke weed in groups of about ten, 24 hours a day, on Grand Av.
5. The stoop rats, who are 15 year old girls who occupy the stoop of the house my flat was in about 60% of the time.

Fulton St/Washington Av Dramatis Personae
1. Guy from Kings Pizza.
2. Guy from Putnam Deli who is apparently there all the time, whether at 3pm for a roll, 5am for a Colt 45 or 8am for an orange juice.
3. DVD Man, who sells pirate DVDs in the laundromat and urinates on Salvation Army when he thinks no-one is watching (caught rapid, DVD man).
4. Chinese guy with the dyed red hair who is way too badass to work in a Chinese restaurant, and knows it well.
5. 8 year old kid who works in the deli on the far side of the street even at 3am.

Completely inappropriate music that has been put on during hangovers
1. Parliament – Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker)
2. Erykah Badu – Annie Don’t Wear No Panties
3. Rusko – Woo Boost
4. Sharon Jones & Dap Kings – 100 Days, 100 Nights
5. J Dilla feat. Busta Rhymes – Geek Down

Summer jams
1. Best Coast – Boyfriend
2. Wavves – King of the Beach
3. Caribou – Sun
4. Roots Manuva – Witness (One Hope)
5. Devo – Gut Feeling

Amount of times I was asked what my spirit animal was by a go-go dancer that had no reason to be in the apartment after 6am other than drunken ebullience on the part of my friend
2 (it’s an otter)

Free press
1. The Onion
2. Village Voice
3. The Brooklyn Rail
4. The L Magazine
5. Stolen New York Times

Giants players I was 20 feet from having snuck into pitchside seats at the end of the second half of the Jets-Giants preseason game that was also the opening of the New Meadowlands Stadium
1. Justin Tuck
2. Osi Umenyiora
3. Brandon Jacobs
4. Mattias Kiwanuka
5. Mario Manningham (Eli got his head split open and went home early)

Completely redundant/broken pieces of furniture, Apt 4A, 3 Quincy St.
1. Bench press
2. Cooker
3. Television
4. 3 foot stereo speakers
5. Me

Amount of gigs I’ve been to in New York excluding free jazz gigs
24

Amount I have paid for this privilege
<$24

Estimated average daily pizza intake over the three month period
c. 1.8 slices

Quotes from Withnail & I
1. “Matter!”
2. “I am inclined to agree with Withnail. We are drifting into the arena of the unwell.”
3. “You’ve got soup. Why haven’t I got soup?”
4. “Have we got any umbrication?”
5. “Eat some sugar.”

Ways co-inhabitants have tried to defeat the dreaded night sweats
1. Boxers in the freezer
2. Hugging a two-litre bottle of ice.
3. Developing alcoholism.

Reasons none worked
1. Melted too quickly, not cold enough.
2. Left a pool of water in its wake.
3. Alcohol doesn’t actually make you sweat less, it just makes you more likely to fall asleep.

Greatest lies told to the landlord
1. Clearing the remnants of a broken pane of glass out of the frame, leaving the other pane of the double-glazing intact, and acting like nothing happened.
2. Claiming for some reason that he had to come before mid-day if he was coming because we were going to Chicago.
3. “Two people live here.”
4. That the aforementioned two inhabitants were in New York for internships and had enough savings to pay the rent already upon arrival.
5. That we had tried to get the gas connected so we could cook food, but that they had refused to come.

Ways there are of knowing
0

Advertisements

5 responses to “NY4: Fulton St Local

  1. This is actually deadly. I’ve been following all your adventures and while most people tend to just go to New York to buy things it’s really like you went to New York for New York. Sounds like a great summer, not just for the great gigs and proper heat but genuine experience of people and culture. Fair play fella.

  2. Good show sir. Nothing quite like lying to North American Landlords, or in our case, legging it on the last day and refusing to clean out our apartment due to the fact that she was already taking the damage deposit anyway. Also, “Two people live me here” made me laugh a lot. Like, a whole lot.

  3. Hear hear or here here or hr hr. Your NY adventure has been wonderful in both tweet and blog form. Excellent altogether.

  4. This is indeed fantastic Karl. And now I’m annoyed for not paying closer attention through the summer. That’s what archives are for, I spose.

  5. Props Karlusss! Catch you post electric picnic, post TN stress, pre-halloween for a proper catch up. Welcome home boss, and if you already think you’ve met me, it was Ciarán out of his face at electric picnic. To infinity and beyond!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s